Neatly Tangled

I actually had a big ol’ panic attack last night, and that hasn’t happened in a while.

You know, I’ve come to realize lately how much strength it can take to let go of a worry, if you’re a worrying type like I am. I tend to hold everything close and try to mold the world to the absolute maximum possible, and thinking that I’m that damned capable of making an impact is too much sometimes. The problem is sorting out what it is that I can actually change and letting go of the stress over the things I can’t do a flippin’ thing about.

The boyfriend, who strikes me as ridiculously lackadaisical when it comes to serious matters, is actually a master at this, though I sometimes think he takes it too far in the other direction and fails to worry about things he actually can affect. It’s a balance, and I’m not very good with balance.

In any case, there have been a lot of things like this lately: at work, someone above me makes a bad decision because they don’t ask for my input even though I’ve offered help. I am responsible for the fallout for that decision, and have to find a way to work with it long-term. I spend way too much time angry about somebody making a stupid mistake and not enough time figuring out how to work around having a big chunk of my resources unavailable.

The amount of mental effort it takes to think about this the right way around is considerable. Part of that is my wiring, and part of it is that the last few years have been full of struggle and I find myself ducking every time the world throws something new my way.

In any case, I’m trying to learn. There’s all kinds of stuff going wrong in my life, but there’s some pretty awesome things balancing it. But it’s not even about that balance. It’s about trying to train my mind not to be on red alert all the time.

Now all I have to do is fail to worry about what happens if I don’t accomplish that. I think that much, at least, is doable. 🙂

Though really, I think anything is probably fair game here at this point. This is fascinating to me. I’ve got a really personal stake in this topic, and honestly? No matter how many times I see people attempt to spin psychiatric problems in a positive way, I’d give anything for my children never to suffer what I’ve been through. Between the possibility of real progress into discovering the physical underpinnings of mental illness and the further reduction of stigma as it becomes more recognized as a physical problem, this gives me some hope that there will be real research and real treatments that really damned work. Things are better than they used to be, but not enough so. And it would be incredible to see that change.