Some of you may not know this, but I work for a certain widely despised big-box retailer which ought to remain nameless. I know that admitting this kills my knitting cred, because they are omg-teh-ebil! if Remnants is to be believed, but whatever. They gave me a job when I needed one to put a roof over my head, and they’re about the most civilized retail I’ve ever worked. Which is not to say that I like my job particularly, but it pays enough of the bills. Come to think of it, it’s been a good ten years since I’ve had a job I liked particularly, and that one didn’t really pay the bills. Hmmm.
Anyway, said retailer has something like 6000+ locations worldwide at this point, so it’s not too uncommon to get sent to another location to work on a special project or to help with training or whatever else might need done. So Monday I found myself working in the backroom of a store I’d never stepped foot in before, in a mall I’d never stepped foot in before. And do you know what happened when I walked out into the mall to get my lunch?
I discovered that I could never, never work at that location full-time. The damned thing is right next to an A.C.Moore.
Sixty-two dollars and change later, I am the proud owner of three new pairs of bamboo straights and something like twelve new balls of yarn. Gorram clearance is hell on my stashbusting plans. OTOH, I only grabbed what I have immediate projects in mind for. Now if I can only find another five or six hours a day…
Been a rough week.
I somehow picked up a stomach thing that wasted almost three days for me. I had crazy work and a visit with the neurologist and the battle to get my almost-3-year-old to consider…just consider…wearing underwear. Shopping for school clothes for my about-to-start-kindergarten girl, shopping for groceries since I got paid, a tiny bit of actual housekeeping, and tired, tired, tired.
Must be August.
Actually did make a small bit of progress, now that I think of it, in getting a hank of wool into a ball and working a few rows on the current design project. Not where I hoped to be, but what can you do?
Life is life.
Partially because I’m working on a new design and it’s a largish item and I’m part-way through the initial run-through, which is taking plenty of my time just now.
Partially because my partner and I are giving in to our momentary obsession with Beatles Rock Band. Over the last two nights we’ve picked up the achievements for playing the entire story within 24 hours and five-starring every song in the story. Granted to do the latter we set our difficulty down to easy for the nastier bits, but still.
Partially because work is eating a tremendous amount of energy right now. The bigwigs keep coming to visit and the place is in a panic. Again. And again. And again. Not so much fun.
Partially because I’m struggling with health problems right now. I go back to see the neurologist next week. I just realized that whatever is causing my other symptoms is also most likely causing the incredible tiredness I’ve been fighting, which waxes and wanes along with the rest. Hopefully this time we’ll manage to figure out what’s going on. Huge round of testing starting a year and a half ago didn’t lead us anywhere, so I’ve been avoiding going back, but I don’t think I can merrily ignore this any longer. :-/
More soon.
While in Maine, I also:
–Picked a stitch for the new design I just couldn’t find a blasted stitch for. Unfortunately, I think said stitch might just use too much yarn to be practical in the application I wish to use it in. I need to swatch again and get a good yardage estimate.
–Helped my partner replace the pullcord on the generator. This involved a crochet hook and needlenose pliers. Couldn’t have done it without the crochet hook. I’m handy to have around, lol.
–Discovered my inner little old lady. I found myself sitting in a rocking chair, knitting by gaslight. And I was happy.
Or at least this segment of it, anyway…
Worked on Traveling woman:
Took pictures of yarn (this is a BRS from Knitivity):
Wandered through a Walmart that just *expanded* their yarn selection. As far as I can tell, this has to do with the switch from Peaches and Cream to Sugar ‘n’ Creme, since the expansion was entirely Bernat yarns. But still…*more* yarn. In a Walmart. Amazing.
Watched as my partner hunted squirrels *inside* the cabin. Destructive little beasts. Hopefully I’m done having to clean up after them…for now…
Ate more of the best Southern food I’ve had outside the South…who would have guessed that I’d be going to Maine for the perfect pulled pork sandwich?
Took a walk in the woods.
Came home too soon.
Sighed.
Where I will hopefully get some work done this weekend. I’m primarily bringing along design projects. I really need to get rolling on these before the ideas get stale in my head.
Of course, there are other things to be done, and I’m supposed to be relaxing on top of it, but sometimes the best relaxation is to let my mind run where it will. And lately it’s full of yarn and hooks. 
I actually had a big ol’ panic attack last night, and that hasn’t happened in a while.
You know, I’ve come to realize lately how much strength it can take to let go of a worry, if you’re a worrying type like I am. I tend to hold everything close and try to mold the world to the absolute maximum possible, and thinking that I’m that damned capable of making an impact is too much sometimes. The problem is sorting out what it is that I can actually change and letting go of the stress over the things I can’t do a flippin’ thing about.
The boyfriend, who strikes me as ridiculously lackadaisical when it comes to serious matters, is actually a master at this, though I sometimes think he takes it too far in the other direction and fails to worry about things he actually can affect. It’s a balance, and I’m not very good with balance.
In any case, there have been a lot of things like this lately: at work, someone above me makes a bad decision because they don’t ask for my input even though I’ve offered help. I am responsible for the fallout for that decision, and have to find a way to work with it long-term. I spend way too much time angry about somebody making a stupid mistake and not enough time figuring out how to work around having a big chunk of my resources unavailable.
The amount of mental effort it takes to think about this the right way around is considerable. Part of that is my wiring, and part of it is that the last few years have been full of struggle and I find myself ducking every time the world throws something new my way.
In any case, I’m trying to learn. There’s all kinds of stuff going wrong in my life, but there’s some pretty awesome things balancing it. But it’s not even about that balance. It’s about trying to train my mind not to be on red alert all the time.
Now all I have to do is fail to worry about what happens if I don’t accomplish that. I think that much, at least, is doable.
My oldest daughter? Lost her first tooth yesterday and didn’t tell anyone at all. She also seems to have lost the thing itself, which caused a 30-second burst of tears. Anybody know what teeth go for these days?
There should be crafty stuff here before too long, but I get into this crazy cycle where I want to take a picture of something, but don’t, then I don’t want to post until I have a picture, then…
Er, yeah. A little lame. But whatcha gonna do? Work is enough right now. My personality problems can wait, lol.
Though really, I think anything is probably fair game here at this point. This is fascinating to me. I’ve got a really personal stake in this topic, and honestly? No matter how many times I see people attempt to spin psychiatric problems in a positive way, I’d give anything for my children never to suffer what I’ve been through. Between the possibility of real progress into discovering the physical underpinnings of mental illness and the further reduction of stigma as it becomes more recognized as a physical problem, this gives me some hope that there will be real research and real treatments that really damned work. Things are better than they used to be, but not enough so. And it would be incredible to see that change.
I went nuts making granny squares for a week or two, then stopped cold.
Factor 1? I finished watching the final 2 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which had been holding me hostage to my television most nights and thus creating the perfect conditions for exactly that sort of project-you-can-do-without-looking-at-your-hands.
Factor 2? My boyfriend brought home an Xbox. Hard to crochet when you’re playing video games. He’s a bad influence, I tell you. A very bad influence.
Factor 3? My job is making me want to beat my head against a brick wall. Which the crocheting is usually an antidote for, but the issues there are making my schedule screwy right now and thus interfering. Though I did help a coworker read a pattern this week, which was sort of unexpected and cool. She caught me knitting a dishcloth at lunch recently and now we talk yarn when we run into each other. It’s a good feeling to know that somebody in that nuthouse understands!
Hopefully actual pictures soon.
Life | deb | 
August 19, 2010 9:36 am | 
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